Ned’s Dilemma

Ned stood staring at his photo on the wall. He thought his new status would change things, he thought everything would be different now that he was a celebrity. So far, nothing has changed.

Edward still pulls his underwear to the middle of his back, often ripping the elastic, which in an absurd way ripped elastic turns out to be a blessing. Ned went commando once and the direct denim/zipper contact was much less forgiving on his manhood.

After the award was announced, Ned asked Melissa out, she appeared to take offense to the gesture, and enough offense she slapped him.

“I guess Melissa is not the kind of girl that sleeps with celebrities,” he thought, rubbing his face in memory of the event.

The crushing blow came just after the Melissa incident, his face still stung. “You’re not a celebrity,” Vanessa screamed at Ned after another failed attempt at using his statues to make progress with the ladies. “Could that be true?” he thought.

Ed thought long and hard about this accusation, he thought about the hard work he had put in to gain this coveted status. Could he have miss judged, was this position less than prestigious? Is employee of the month the only place on earth where you can be a winner and a loser at the same time?

This story was inspired by a joke on esmartass.com, make sure you stop by for a laugh. I hope you all enjoy!

Just Cleaning Windows

“Floor fifty eight rookie,” Claude told the newest member of the crew. They had been cleaning widows for hours and only gone down two floors. The rookie, also know as Bradley, had a queasy look on his face since they started.

“What is that guy doing?” Bradley asked, looking inside the building.

“Finally,” Claude replied. “Now things will get interesting.”

“Is he yelling at us?”

“Yep,” Claude said with a smile. “You come across screamers in the high rises. I guess they think we are too loud, we’re messin up their day somehow. Of course, they only yell when they are alone in the office, like telephone tough guys.”

Bradley was staring, amazed at the anger coming from this so-called businessman. “Wow,” Bradley said still staring at the businessman. “I think he is getting more an…”

“There’s a streak for you!” Claude shouted. “Come on rookie drop em and lets show this guy a thing or two.”

“Let me down from here… I’m serious, I’m going back to residential window cleaning!”

Note: I called for professional window cleaning and that is exactly what I got, a professional service. However, I could not get this story out of my head so I am sharing it with you now. I hope you enjoy.

Guitar Practice

 

Funny Stories

Copyright – Bjorn Rudberg

 

 

 

 

“Try it again; you’re muting the F note.”

“But dad, it’s too hard, I can’t.”

“Yes you can, Darleen, you know I don’t like it when you say I can’t.”

“But dad.”

“Stop with the buts, try it again.”

“Dad, I can’t do…”

* * *

“What is wrong with you,” Darleen said as she ran out of the room, her dad two steps behind her. In his left hand, he held the neck of a ¾ size classical guitar. Only splinters remained of the guitar’s body and the nylon strings were hanging almost to the floor.

There, Darleen, now it’s a fact… You can’t.

 


 

Come on admit it, you think about things like this. You have thoughts of pushing your kid out of his chair when he spits his food on the floor or throwing his favorite toy out the window when he won’t share. It’s funny, as long as you just think about it.

This story was my contribution to Friday Fictioneers. Make sure to stop by and check out stories from other authors.

She Is So Old

funny stories grave

Copyright- Alastair Forbes

“Ann, Ann, did your great aunt die last night!” Frank shouted to his wife.

“No, at least I don’t think so. Why, did you hear something? Oh, I better call someone,” she replied in a troubled voice.

Frank was sitting down at the computer again, practically drooling on himself. He did not notice Ann looking for her phone. She was nearly in tears at this point. Ann had spent a lot of time with her great aunt when she was little. Aunt Clair was almost ninety now but the thought of anyone dyeing upset Ann.

“Where is my phone?” she screamed, hysterical now.

“What are you freaking out about?” Frank asked.

“You’re the one talking about my aunt dying, what do you think.”

“Wait, did she dye?” Frank asked

“I don’t know, I can’t find my phone. Why did you ask me if she died?”

“Because we are in her will. Look, I just read the headlines, Richard Branson finally did it, we can go to outer space. All we need is $200,000 each, we will get at least that when that ol bag finally cr…”

“I hate you! You are such an ass!”

 

The story above represents my entry into Alastair’s Sunday Photo Fiction.

If you enjoyed this story check out my other funny stories.

The Blood of Remorse

 

short-fiction-shame

copyright-Kent Bonham

A disturbing murder case was weighing heavily on Jim Delaney’s mind as he walked up his sidewalk.  A sound came from the storage shed. Jim unholstered his pistol, not willing to take any chances after a day like today. He saw movement and instincts took over.

Jim unmasked the bloody body and nearly threw up. Stumbling into the house, he opened a bottle of whiskey. As he drank, he spotted a note:

APRIL FOOLS,
I finally got you! Meet me at Finnegan’s and we’ll get drunk.

Jim’s pistol fired one last shot, leaving the wall stained with the blood of remorse.

 

* * * * * * * * *

The above story is my submission to Friday Fictioneers. For those of you that don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a group of bloggers from around the world who respond to a photo prompt of Rochelle Wisoff-Fields choosing with a story of approximately 100 words. Find more fictioneers here.